Meeting with my Revenge Co-ordinator, Spaz the cat.
I am beginning to understand that one of the reasons I cannot come up with a good plan to make Bill O'Reilly fall on his knees and apologize to me is because I cannot think like a carnivore. It just isn't in me. The only thing I could ever kill is the weeping cherry tree in the back yard. I cannot treat people like Bill does -- I am just an herbivore.
So, to get some help, I had a conference with my buddy Spaz the cat. He hunts prey all the time-- doesn't actually kill them, but he tracks down mice and chipmunks and makes them know he's the boss and he is watching. If they don't move out of the garden, he will be back ! So , they pack their little rodent bags and move into the neighbor's garden. He is really good at it. Surely, he can help me come up with a plan.
After demanding I sneak to the kitchen and get his "Pounce" treats down from a shelf he can't reach, he sat with me and gave me a few tips. I have to admit, at first he wasn't too good at it. He kept telling me to just put a little plate of cheese out in a contraption that would spring close when Mr. O'Reilly grabbed it. I had to explain to him that Bill was a human, and that when I called Bill a "rat" it didn't mean he would fit in a mousetrap. Eventually, after sharpening his claws and finishing off his "Pounce" , Spaz had some ideas for me.
His best plan, I think, is brilliant in its sheer simplicity. Spaz suggested I send him a nice box of chocolates, with a special "treat" inside. No one can resist chocolate ! Once he has a couple treats, his throat will clench, his hands will shake, his life will flash before his eyes.He'll barely be able to say : "I am sorry, Dillie !' before falls into a quivering heap of seizuring loud-mouthed egomaniacal ruminant-hating bigot talk show host !
Spaz gave me the name of his chocolatier: Lady Godiva's Naked Chocolates. He says he particularly likes the dark chocolate covered mouse butts and the crunchy frogs. I couldn't believe it but he said he orders them all the time. I asked him how he placed his orders, not being able to use a computer or a telephone-- wouldn't you know, he's on the Mouse-butt of the Month Club ! They ship them automatically to him every month.
So, when he gets his monthly supply, we are going to box up a few of the special treats and lace them with a little powder to make Mr. O'Reilly shake more than a San Francisco townhouse. We will just quickly ship them off to Mr. O and in no time he will be apologizing!!
Revenge is mine, sayeth the ruminant !
Spaz is so smart !!
Oh no.... this just came across the Drudge Report... Lady Godiva Naked Chocolates on national recall for selling counterfeit mouse butts imported from China. It seems they were really selling chocolate covered Rocky Mountain Oysters from young calves. Yech... I couldn't do that to Bill! Even though I hate him and love him and hate him again, I wouldn't even be that cruel.
Poor Spaz-- he's really upset and just ran to the bathroom to get sick. Once he gets better, he will have to help me figure out a better plan.
Wearing my 'Coppola'
Another whole week comes to a close, and still not a word from O'Reilly or his camp. Shame on you, Bill !! My sisters out there and I all agree.... this will not stand. You can NOT trash a fine lady like myself and expect to get away with it unscathed. From this point on, we call upon all the women in your life to "shun" you ! Do you hear that Laura Ingram and Megyn Kelly ? He is just using you ! Don't let this male chauvinist carnivore get away with his blatant bigotry ! He doesn't really care about you as people-- he is just using your beauty to attrack viewers and trash other ladies like me.
So, isntead of being used by him , help us-- all the sisters of the world-- get our revenge. Here's how....
As you may have seen on my webcam last week, I watched about 6 hours of the Godfather movies. and learned lots of good ways I could make O'Reilly sorry for treating me so badly. One thing in particular caught my ears-- "Lucco Brazzi sleeps with the fishes!" Surely that would be a terrible thing to do to a loudmouthed, ruminant-hating, carivorous bigot like Mr. O !! Surely that would make him apologize ! His suit would get all wet and he probably would get electrocuted from his wireless microphone.
This might be an easy one !! I will just need a little assistance from Ms. Ingram and Kelly. Laura can lure Bill into his dressing room, saying she is going to do his taxes for him. Megyn is probably already in there ironing his shirts. (That is how much respect he has for women on his show !) Laura will tell him to come in so she can show him how he can deduct his losing bet on the Colts (HAH!!) as a "business expense." Then, my girls will go into action. Megyn will clunk him on the noggin with the iron and wrap his neatly pressed custom made shirt around his head. My girl Laura will grab him by his french cuffs and hold down his hands so he cannot fight back, and he will pass out . Quick like bunnies they will wrap him in the special laundry bag we have prepared and bring him out the back door of Fox, where Ann Coulter is waiting to help load him into the back of a special Taxi. He comes to ! He starts to struggle...but Ann pulls off a stiletto heel and gives him a nice knock on the head. This Taxi will take him to the airport and get him on a special Fedex plane. Meanwhile, Megyn will take his anchor chair as the new host, so no one will be the wiser.
The Fedex lands at the Atlanta airport , where my niece and nephew are waiting. (Hi, Shannon and Jordan ! Thanks for helping me!) They unload the "parcel" and drive him to the Georgia Aquairum. There, Bill has to spend the entire night there with the elephant sharks. They do that there-- they even advertise it ! Bill, will have to "sleep with the fishes!" . By the time the janitor opens up in the morning, he will be scared witless and will be screaming-- "Please, Dillie, forgive me !" Meanwhile, Megyn has done such a great job on the show that she is offered his job, and when he returns to New York, the only job that Fox has for him is ironing Ms. Kelly's suits. Yes, this will work !!
Wait a sec.....just remembered. My niece doesn't drive !! She is only 15 and is just taking her driving lessons now. I don't think this can wait util she has her license. I will keep this plan open , tough. If he hasn't apologized by November when she turns 16, I may have to use it. Operation Fish Sleepover is a winner.
Valentine's day has come and gone, and my Bill still has not apologized to me. I think he really hates me. It is so hard to be in love with a man that just hates you and makes you feel bad all the time. On behalf of all my sisters that have been in similar situations, I must break this man down, get him on his knees, and make him beg forgiveness for verbally abusing me. I have watched my mom do some pretty interesting operations on cats and dogs. I am sure she could do the same type of thing on an egomaniacal ruminant-hating bigot talk show host. There might even be some stimulus money waiting for just this type of thing. I am pretty sure the entire Congress would actually pay me to take this man down.
It is just a matter of mechanics. Here I am trapped in Ohio under house arrest by the state wildlife department, buried in nearly two feet of snow. How can I get to him? Hmmm....if I cannot get to him, maybe I could get him to come to me ! I know he is touring the country right now with what's-his-name Beck. He talks about it all the time, at least when he is not running down innocent little deer like me. He calls it the B.O. tour, I mean Bold Fresh-- sounds like a stupid laundry detergent if you ask me. All I have to do is get him to schedule an event here in Ohio, and I will pop him with a little jungle juice that mom uses to knock down mastiffs and other big-mouthed drooling beasts like O'Reilly and he will either apologize or he will be leaving his show and joining "The View."
How can I get him to Ohio? We are the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame...perhaps that can get him here. No, he went to HAAAHHVAAAHRD. He probably only listens to Wiffenpoofs. .. I have heard he is baseball fan. Probably a Yankee fan. Has to be. Only Yankee fans have mouths and egos as big as his . I will just happen to send him two of my Cleveland Indians season tickets for when they play the Yanks. Bill would rush into town on his private Lear jet--- Oh, you don't have a private jet, Bill??? Oprah does !! Rush does !! Heck, I think even the mascot for the Chicago Bears does. Where's yours??? Okay, so we will fly him in to Cleveland Hopkins first class on Southwest, which means of course they will give him TWO bags of peanuts. He will catch his Limo at the airport, but instead of taking him to the Jake (Oh, excuuuuse me, PROGRESSIVE FIELD....) the Limo will continue south down I-77 to Canal Fulton, where I will be waiting for him with my syringe of the house special and some interesting instruments I stole from my mom's medical bag. He WILL apologize, unless he wants to spend the rest of his career trading barbs and recipes with Whoopee Goldberg and Joy Beyhar.
Darn..... This won't work either...... I just remembered, ever since Sabathia, Cliff Lee, and every other player from David Justice to Greg Nettles left Cleveland and joined the Yankees, the Tribe cannot really play the Yankees. They ARE the Yankees. Why should he come to Cleveland to see them play-- every one of them will end up in the New York dugout anyway. ...
There must be a way...... on behalf of all my sisters of all species that have ever been disrepected by a man, we WILL find get our revenge. Sisterhood, ladies !! ... Dillie
I am beginning to think Bill is pretending not to even notice me just to make me mad. He knows I am out here everynight, crying with a broken heart, as he flirts with all the viewers. He doesn't call THEM homicidal maniacs. No ! Only me ! Yet he doesn't call, he doesn't write, he doesn't send me roses, he doesn't even tap out "I am sorry, Dillie" with his "Patriot Pen" in morse code. How can he be so heartless?
I WILL get even.
Each night he ends the show with some stupid show-offy word to impress his viewers and make them think he is soooo smart. As if he even knew the word before he had some underpaid intern look it up for him. I know better. But maybe this is a way I can get back at him.
If I could just reach my American Express Card (Green Alfafa Edition) that I got in the mail last month....got it ! Now, let me sneak off to my mom's office and get on the internet. www.....amazon....dot ....com. That sounds like a store that animals can order things in...it's named after a jungle after all. User name: "Dillie" password: eatcud... wow! They have a lot of selection. Here is what I need: I-Verbose: Giant Electronic Thesaurus, Egomaniacal News Host Edition. Perfect !!
I will order this and have it sent to me. Just a few alterations here and there in the electronics, a few grams of home-made C-4 that I whip up from left over oatmeal, Fruit Loops, and pancake syrup...and Voila ! When Bill's underpaid intern goes to look up his latest fancy-schmancy word of the night and presses the "find" button...KERBLEWIE ! No more intern.....just little shredded pieces of greasy grimy "gofer" guts everywhere. Bill will read the card and know it was me and apologize immediately.
Oh no.....what do you mean my Amex card was declined? I thought I made a payment last month. Did they not get the hay I sent? They said they neded some green.....darn. He will never apologize now.....
"Bill.... I love you so, I always will....." Love, Dill
Dillie the Deer
Bill was so busy last night on his show talking about totally stupid things like terrorism, the economy, and elections, he barely even looked at me. I think he wants to apologize. He doesn't really mean to hurt the feeling of a sweet little girl like me, does he? I know he just wants to apologize, he just hasn't had the chance. So, I think I have the way to fix it so he has that chance.
I have saved up some pennies from winning the Zoombak GPS Video Contest, and actually have enough to get two tickets to a two day cruise to the Bahamas. I will send him one of the tickets, with a note that a very lovely doe-eyed lady is waiting to meet him on this cruise. One that has an international following and has her own broadcast every night. Thinking he is actually going to meet Katie Couric, he will jump at the chance to meet me.
Once the cruise ship launches, I will have a steward pull the "Get to your lifeboat! The Ship was struck by a militant Beluga whale Alarm" . It's amazing what you can buy with a pack of cigarettes and a pack of gum. The steward will be so happy to get his Juicy Fruit, he will drop all the cute animals he was making out of towels and run off and pull the alarm. When Bill gets in his lifeboat, there I will be. Nothing and no one to keep him alive as he drifts at sea in shark infested waters for days but my stash of bottled water, Balvenie Scotch, Peanut M&M's and me, Dillie. If he doesn't apologize, I will just keep drinking my scotch and waters and poppin my M&M's til he is desperate for food and drink. Until his skin is blistered and bleeding from sunburn and his parched lips can barely whisper "I AM SORRY, DILLIE!!" .
Nope, nope, nope. This is not going to work. I totally forgot. I am too young to buy scotch. My mom and dad would never allow it. Maybe I can get one of the cats to let me borrow their state ID. .. This plan needs some work.
2/8/2010 Today, I found out that Mr. O'Reilly sent flowers to journalist Helen Thomas for calling her a witch. So, it seems he CAN apologize after all. He hasn't sent me any flowers, though ! Ms. Thomas probably doesn't even eat flowers like I do, so way to go, Bill, you should have sent chocolates. Now, I am even madder at him. Today, my revenge fantasy could just become reality,...
It occurred to me that even though Bill is a loud-mouthed carnivorous ruminant-hating bigot, he is surrounded by people on Fox that are pretty nice. I loved the local reporter from Fox, Mark Zinni. He was super-nice. He knows I am not a serial murderer like Bill says I am. So, perhaps I could get one of those nice people around Bill to realize the error of his ways.
I am going to start with Dennis Miller. He seems really sweet. I listen to him on the radio sometimes and he makes me laugh. We like the same type of music, too. I might be able to get him to help me force Bill to apologize. I watched an episode of "Mythbusters" where they showed that non-dairy coffee creamer was more explosive than weapons grade uranium. I have that creamer every day in my Baby's Key West Coffee. I can take the creamer and put it into some jars, sew it into a vest for Mr. Miller to wear under his suit jacket, and wire a electric switch to it. I can chew off the cable to the webcamera in my room here for wires. When Mr. Miller goes on the show, wearing the vest under his suit, he will tell Bill how he has wronged me and he has to apologize. When he refuses, he will throw open his suit jacket, and show him the vest I made and put his thumb on the switch. He'll shout: "Apologize to Dillie and no one gets hurt !" Bill seeing the coffee creamer and knowing that it is a potential thermonuclear device, will beg forgiveness. Dennis will wink at me and he and Bill will enjoy a cup of Baby's Hair of the Dog, extra strong, with lots of creamer in it.
No, this just won't work. It does sound very eco-friendly, but this won't work. The Fox studio just installed new body scanners that are programmed to detect Coffee Mate. Miller will never get past security. I must think of another way... Dillie
2/6/2010 How can I get back at Mr. O'Reilly for breaking my heart? Despite what he said, I am a very passive animal and would never hurt anyone. If I were to hurt someone, though, he would be first on my list. Since I don't have canine teeth like a big mean dog, all I can really do is nibble him to death. This would probably not work, as it would take too long and he would run away. What, however, would happen if perhaps I had one of my wild cousins follow him home and block his way into his driveway, ramming their antlers into his radiator grill, spilling antifreeze on the ground, and another of my deer cousins would soak up the antifreeze with a towel, wring it into a glass, then hand it to him, telling him its a Mountain Dew. By the time he returned to work the next day he would be in fatal kidney failure, and if he doesn't apologize, I won't tell him where I have hidden the antidote. No, I don't think that would work.... he'd be suspicious of the deer handing him the drink because deer and other herbivores aren't allowed in his gated carnivore community. Bigot. I will have to think of another way....Dillie.
2/7/2010 Another day has passed and still no apology from Mr. O'Reilly. We had 16 inches of snow today, and I had plenty of time to sit and think of ways to get my revenge on him. My idea today involves Mr. O'Reilly being stuck in an elevator, with Barny Frank, Rahm Emanuel, and Rosie O'Donnell....and someone just happened to leave a baseball bat in the elevator..... How to lure him in there....I can call him up and pretend to be his boss, and tell him he had to come up to the top floor to talk to me because of the thousands of complaints they are getting because he broke my heart. When he gets on the elevator, the crowd will be waiting for him because someone has called them and told them that Bill was going to personally apologize to them on live TV... They will take one look at him and start screaming and of course he will scream back. The elevator will go up two floors and get stuck, because I have hacked into the electronics and programmed it to get stuck when the decibel level gets too high. When Frank reaches for the emergency phone, he will find the Louisville Slugger I have hidden in there, and he won't be able to contain himself. No....I don't think this will work....there is no way anyone would believe O'Reilly would ever apologize on live tv, and there would never be enough room in an elevator for four people and O'Reilly's ego, too. Sigh ! Back to the drawing board. ....Dillie.
Legal Disclaimer: I do not really wish any harm come to Mr. O'Reilly. He broke my heart, but I still love him. This is all just in fun. Please do not really try to hurt Mr. O'Reilly , even though he is a loud-mouthed, deer-hating, ruminant bigot. But if any of my hooved cousins happen to cross his path, you could give him a little head-butt in the behind for me, without really hurting him. As soon as "My Bill" apologizes to me, I will stop seeking revenge.