Meeting with my Revenge Co-ordinator, Spaz the cat.
I am beginning to understand that one of the reasons I cannot come up with a good plan to make Bill O'Reilly fall on his knees and apologize to me is because I cannot think like a carnivore. It just isn't in me. The only thing I could ever kill is the weeping cherry tree in the back yard. I cannot treat people like Bill does -- I am just an herbivore.
So, to get some help, I had a conference with my buddy Spaz the cat. He hunts prey all the time-- doesn't actually kill them, but he tracks down mice and chipmunks and makes them know he's the boss and he is watching. If they don't move out of the garden, he will be back ! So , they pack their little rodent bags and move into the neighbor's garden. He is really good at it. Surely, he can help me come up with a plan.
After demanding I sneak to the kitchen and get his "Pounce" treats down from a shelf he can't reach, he sat with me and gave me a few tips. I have to admit, at first he wasn't too good at it. He kept telling me to just put a little plate of cheese out in a contraption that would spring close when Mr. O'Reilly grabbed it. I had to explain to him that Bill was a human, and that when I called Bill a "rat" it didn't mean he would fit in a mousetrap. Eventually, after sharpening his claws and finishing off his "Pounce" , Spaz had some ideas for me.
His best plan, I think, is brilliant in its sheer simplicity. Spaz suggested I send him a nice box of chocolates, with a special "treat" inside. No one can resist chocolate ! Once he has a couple treats, his throat will clench, his hands will shake, his life will flash before his eyes.He'll barely be able to say : "I am sorry, Dillie !' before falls into a quivering heap of seizuring loud-mouthed egomaniacal ruminant-hating bigot talk show host !
Spaz gave me the name of his chocolatier: Lady Godiva's Naked Chocolates. He says he particularly likes the dark chocolate covered mouse butts and the crunchy frogs. I couldn't believe it but he said he orders them all the time. I asked him how he placed his orders, not being able to use a computer or a telephone-- wouldn't you know, he's on the Mouse-butt of the Month Club ! They ship them automatically to him every month.
So, when he gets his monthly supply, we are going to box up a few of the special treats and lace them with a little powder to make Mr. O'Reilly shake more than a San Francisco townhouse. We will just quickly ship them off to Mr. O and in no time he will be apologizing!!
Revenge is mine, sayeth the ruminant !
Spaz is so smart !!
Oh no.... this just came across the Drudge Report... Lady Godiva Naked Chocolates on national recall for selling counterfeit mouse butts imported from China. It seems they were really selling chocolate covered Rocky Mountain Oysters from young calves. Yech... I couldn't do that to Bill! Even though I hate him and love him and hate him again, I wouldn't even be that cruel.
Poor Spaz-- he's really upset and just ran to the bathroom to get sick. Once he gets better, he will have to help me figure out a better plan.
So, to get some help, I had a conference with my buddy Spaz the cat. He hunts prey all the time-- doesn't actually kill them, but he tracks down mice and chipmunks and makes them know he's the boss and he is watching. If they don't move out of the garden, he will be back ! So , they pack their little rodent bags and move into the neighbor's garden. He is really good at it. Surely, he can help me come up with a plan.
After demanding I sneak to the kitchen and get his "Pounce" treats down from a shelf he can't reach, he sat with me and gave me a few tips. I have to admit, at first he wasn't too good at it. He kept telling me to just put a little plate of cheese out in a contraption that would spring close when Mr. O'Reilly grabbed it. I had to explain to him that Bill was a human, and that when I called Bill a "rat" it didn't mean he would fit in a mousetrap. Eventually, after sharpening his claws and finishing off his "Pounce" , Spaz had some ideas for me.
His best plan, I think, is brilliant in its sheer simplicity. Spaz suggested I send him a nice box of chocolates, with a special "treat" inside. No one can resist chocolate ! Once he has a couple treats, his throat will clench, his hands will shake, his life will flash before his eyes.He'll barely be able to say : "I am sorry, Dillie !' before falls into a quivering heap of seizuring loud-mouthed egomaniacal ruminant-hating bigot talk show host !
Spaz gave me the name of his chocolatier: Lady Godiva's Naked Chocolates. He says he particularly likes the dark chocolate covered mouse butts and the crunchy frogs. I couldn't believe it but he said he orders them all the time. I asked him how he placed his orders, not being able to use a computer or a telephone-- wouldn't you know, he's on the Mouse-butt of the Month Club ! They ship them automatically to him every month.
So, when he gets his monthly supply, we are going to box up a few of the special treats and lace them with a little powder to make Mr. O'Reilly shake more than a San Francisco townhouse. We will just quickly ship them off to Mr. O and in no time he will be apologizing!!
Revenge is mine, sayeth the ruminant !
Spaz is so smart !!
Oh no.... this just came across the Drudge Report... Lady Godiva Naked Chocolates on national recall for selling counterfeit mouse butts imported from China. It seems they were really selling chocolate covered Rocky Mountain Oysters from young calves. Yech... I couldn't do that to Bill! Even though I hate him and love him and hate him again, I wouldn't even be that cruel.
Poor Spaz-- he's really upset and just ran to the bathroom to get sick. Once he gets better, he will have to help me figure out a better plan.
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