The time for talk is over. I can no longer let Bill O'Reilly just broadcast night after night, ignoring me, and refusing to apologize. He just teases me every night coming on the air, winking at me, saying the spin "stops here", which is code for :"I am not about to apologize for calling you a homicidal maniac, Dillie. Go catch Hoof and Mouth disease and leave me alone."
I do think I had a good idea by asking the cats about how to exact revenge . They are much more naturally gifted at this type of thing. My only mistake was telling Spaz that he was really eating calf testes and not chocolage covered mouse butts, and he hasn't come out of the bathroom since. Fortunately, I have another cat in the house to talk to, Neffie the Abyssinian.
The Abyssinian breed is one of the oldest cat breeds there is, so Neffie is much more highly evolved that Spaz the old mouser. Her ideas were much more cerebral and, to be frank, sometimes a little too complicated for me to pull off. For example, Plan 3, Operation Dillie Storm, involved dropping into the CIA building a la Tom Cruise, reprogramming their mainframe, installing deicphering RAM chips into all their computers, hiding video surveillance into their water coolers, and linking it all together into a control center in her litter box that she would then be able to access with a retinal scan, resulting in the mobiliazation of the 82nd Airbone to the Fox studios. Once the "All Americans" got into Bill's dressing room, they were then going to waterboard him into submission by throwing water balloons at him until his fancy Skip Gambert shirts shrunk, suffocating him.
That plan was just a little too complicated for me-- after all , I don't think Skip's shirts would shirnk He's just too good of a tailor for that
So, for now, I am going to opt for her much simpler plan, that according to the President is guaranteed to sting Mr. O (the loud-mouthed bigot, not the one in the White House) . Neffie and I were watching Fox and Friends ( I like Brian. He is a bit of a jock, but he is very funny. Neffie favors Steve. She says he is just like a big catnip scented toy) Anyway...they had a guest on there trying to talk about the health care bill. This guy said, speaking on behalf of the President himself, that millions of Americans die every year just because they don't have health insurance. He said that people were dying right now because they didn't have health care insurance ! This really puzzles me.... I mean I am just a dumb animal but don't people with health insurance die, too? But it came right from the President, so surely it must be true. The President wouldn't lie would he??
This gave Neffie a great idea, guaranteed to get Bill to apologize OR ELSE.... all we have to do is threaten to cancel his health insurance !! Since he is pretty savvy politically-speaking (though he knows nothing about hooved ladies like me!), he is smart enough to know that the second his health insurance expires he will, according to the Prez, just drop over and die. He will be terrified to let it lapse! His entire life depends on it.
The best part is, we just have to send him a letter threateing to cancel it, and not even actually do it. The amount of money this plan will save on military operations, ammunition, and over-priced hit men makes it even better !
Neffie is a great typist so she snuck into mom's office and fired off this gem:
"Dear Mr. O'Reilly:
As you know, you have offended me by calling me a homicidal maniac riddled with lyme's disease. If I were not such a demure, dainty, fragile lady, I would march into your office and chop you up into little stew-sized pieces of loud-mouthed, carnivorous, ruminant-hating bigot talk show host, and serve you with some fava beans and a nice chianti. But, since I am such a lady, I will settle with just an apology from you.
If you do not apologize, I will simply write your health insurance carrier Loud Mouth Life, and tell them to cancel your insurance because you have a pre-existing condition of rumen acidosis. Since we all know that if you don't have health insurance, you will isntantly die, you must either apologize to me, OR ELSE.
Love, ....I mean... Sincerely, Dillie"
Wait.. wait....Neffie just came running back in. She had to tackle the postal carrier and get the letter back. She said Bill doesn't have a rumen. We thought he did since everyone always says he is "full of bull"-- but it turns out that humans are gastrically-challenged and only have the one stomach. That is so sad.
I am almost feeling sorry for Bill now.
Neffie has her calculator and IPad touch-feline edition out and we will keep working on another plan.
Dillie
I do think I had a good idea by asking the cats about how to exact revenge . They are much more naturally gifted at this type of thing. My only mistake was telling Spaz that he was really eating calf testes and not chocolage covered mouse butts, and he hasn't come out of the bathroom since. Fortunately, I have another cat in the house to talk to, Neffie the Abyssinian.
The Abyssinian breed is one of the oldest cat breeds there is, so Neffie is much more highly evolved that Spaz the old mouser. Her ideas were much more cerebral and, to be frank, sometimes a little too complicated for me to pull off. For example, Plan 3, Operation Dillie Storm, involved dropping into the CIA building a la Tom Cruise, reprogramming their mainframe, installing deicphering RAM chips into all their computers, hiding video surveillance into their water coolers, and linking it all together into a control center in her litter box that she would then be able to access with a retinal scan, resulting in the mobiliazation of the 82nd Airbone to the Fox studios. Once the "All Americans" got into Bill's dressing room, they were then going to waterboard him into submission by throwing water balloons at him until his fancy Skip Gambert shirts shrunk, suffocating him.
That plan was just a little too complicated for me-- after all , I don't think Skip's shirts would shirnk He's just too good of a tailor for that
So, for now, I am going to opt for her much simpler plan, that according to the President is guaranteed to sting Mr. O (the loud-mouthed bigot, not the one in the White House) . Neffie and I were watching Fox and Friends ( I like Brian. He is a bit of a jock, but he is very funny. Neffie favors Steve. She says he is just like a big catnip scented toy) Anyway...they had a guest on there trying to talk about the health care bill. This guy said, speaking on behalf of the President himself, that millions of Americans die every year just because they don't have health insurance. He said that people were dying right now because they didn't have health care insurance ! This really puzzles me.... I mean I am just a dumb animal but don't people with health insurance die, too? But it came right from the President, so surely it must be true. The President wouldn't lie would he??
This gave Neffie a great idea, guaranteed to get Bill to apologize OR ELSE.... all we have to do is threaten to cancel his health insurance !! Since he is pretty savvy politically-speaking (though he knows nothing about hooved ladies like me!), he is smart enough to know that the second his health insurance expires he will, according to the Prez, just drop over and die. He will be terrified to let it lapse! His entire life depends on it.
The best part is, we just have to send him a letter threateing to cancel it, and not even actually do it. The amount of money this plan will save on military operations, ammunition, and over-priced hit men makes it even better !
Neffie is a great typist so she snuck into mom's office and fired off this gem:
"Dear Mr. O'Reilly:
As you know, you have offended me by calling me a homicidal maniac riddled with lyme's disease. If I were not such a demure, dainty, fragile lady, I would march into your office and chop you up into little stew-sized pieces of loud-mouthed, carnivorous, ruminant-hating bigot talk show host, and serve you with some fava beans and a nice chianti. But, since I am such a lady, I will settle with just an apology from you.
If you do not apologize, I will simply write your health insurance carrier Loud Mouth Life, and tell them to cancel your insurance because you have a pre-existing condition of rumen acidosis. Since we all know that if you don't have health insurance, you will isntantly die, you must either apologize to me, OR ELSE.
Love, ....I mean... Sincerely, Dillie"
Wait.. wait....Neffie just came running back in. She had to tackle the postal carrier and get the letter back. She said Bill doesn't have a rumen. We thought he did since everyone always says he is "full of bull"-- but it turns out that humans are gastrically-challenged and only have the one stomach. That is so sad.
I am almost feeling sorry for Bill now.
Neffie has her calculator and IPad touch-feline edition out and we will keep working on another plan.
Dillie
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